For the past two years I have been hiding a secret. I was hiding and down playing how much pain I was in. Every cycle I was forced to call into work, break out the heating pad, and eat pain medications just to make it through the day. When I would go run with the girls, I would have to stop, doubled-over in pain and walk the rest of the way. I just couldn't understand why I couldn't finish the run? Why was I laid up in bed during my cycles? Why was I having so much pain, and most importantly why were Nick and I not having luck getting pregnant? The latter was tormenting me. Was I not eating the right diet, was I drinking too much coffee, was I drinking too much alcohol? I lay awake at nights hiding the hot tears streaming down my face, and taking deep breaths to hide my crying gasps, because I was haunted by the idea that I was infertile. I'm still haunted by this idea and may be until the glorious day that I see that positive sign in the pregnancy test window.
With all the pain and doubt taking over my thoughts I decided I could no longer deal with it alone and made the decision to go to the OBGYN for intervention. In the beginning, we ran several tests on both Nick and myself. Nick came back pretty normal, but I had a couple of issues, I had elevated prolactin and low testosterone. My OBGYN was a registered nurse, not a doctor but I trusted her opinion. She gave me the diagnoses that I had PCOS (Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). She prescribed Bromocriptin and Metaphormin to help balance my hormones. She also gave me an ultra sound and found cysts in my ovaries, which is indicative if PCOS.
Three months went by and I was taking the medicine and having horrible side effects; terrible shakes, dizzy spells, sleepless nights. I was miserable and to top if all off, we still weren't getting pregnant. I knew not to get my hopes up, but if you know me, that is just impossible for me. I obsess! Every tingling on my boobs meant this month for sure had worked, or any little cramping in my uterus meant for sure I was pregnant. Every month I'd run to the store and buy pregnancy tests and take one a day before my period was due. Negative. Well that can't be right because the I went too early I thought to myself, then the very next day, negative. Well maybe I haven't produced enough HmG hormone for the test to read a positive, I better take it again tomorrow! Who does that? Month after month I would torment myself with false hopes that we were in fact pregnant. This went on for years, the last two to be exact.
I tried my damnedest to contain my self-induced crazy, but it was leaking out at home, at school, online. Nick, always supportive and positive, was starting to get fed up with my crazy. He'd tell me not to worry, it will happen, relax and stop stressing. But I resented his cool and calm attitude. Why wasn't he scared shitless that we may never be able to start a family of our own? Why was he so sure everything would work out? Was he blind to what was going on or was he in complete denial?
Then there were my friends at work. They saw me day in and day out going crazy with the "what ifs?" I was constantly talking about symptoms I was creating in my head, I was almost tricking my body to feel pregnant beacuse I wanted and willed it so badly. Finally, one day my friend Shelly told me to get a hobby. "You need something to occupy your mind, your free time, and to focus on. You are driving yourself crazy with all of this pregnancy stuff." I knew she was right and that is when I discovered making jewelry for a distraction. Silver PMC and fused-glass. I now had a new obsession, but the baby thoughts did not go away completely, but it did help.
Every cycle I would lose it and constantly talk about my fears, my concerns, my disappointments, my seven negative pregnancy tests. My friends were like Nick...positive, calm, and optimistic. Were they filling me with a bunch of BS to shut me up? How did they know it will happen? How could they be so sure? My head and mind were filled with the crazy. Everyone repeatedly told me to stop worring. When I stop thinking about it, it will happen. I needed help, someone to give me answers. So, I went back to the doctor. She said the next steps are the expensive ones, but if we want answers then it had to be done. The first was the ultra sound, and that was when she found the cysts. The next was called an HSG, a crazy test that shoots dye into your tubes to see if they are blocked. Pretty heinous and painful test, but my wonderful amazing husband was by my side, holding my hand the entire way through. He is my rock. My everything.
During the HSG a magical thing happened, we met Doctor Shannon Roberts. She was so calming during the awful procedure, so comforting, to relate-able. She made me feel for the first time in two years that there was in fact a light at the end of my darkened tunnel. Not to mention the results came back negative for any kind of blockage. Hooray! I felt and huge weight had been lifted...and then the other shoe dropped. They had found a big fibroid in the backside of my uterus. She asked me if I had known it was there or if I was having any symptoms from it. Apparently, fibroids are common in women of child bearing years, and if they don't cause problems then they are harmless. Well, I never made the connection that all of my pain, spotting, and issues were directly related to the fibroid, so I told Shannon, no I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary! Can you believe that? I honestly thought the spotting, cramping, and pain was just what people with PCOS go through during their periods! I never complained, or knew anything different! Shannon just told me to keep an eye on it and monitor it. She most fibroids are anti symptomatic, and never cause women problems, even during pregnancy. So, Nick and I went home and didn't really think about it again.
Now it was spring break 2012. Wnd we were heading to the Bahamas and I just stopped taking all the medicine. I couldn't handle it. I didn't feel comfortable taking six different pills of medicine everyday. In the past I never took medicine for anything, not even when I was sick with the flu. Maybe NyQuil. That was it. So I made the conscience choice to stop the medicine, stop stressing over it all, and go to the Bahamas with the man of my dreams and just enjoy life again. I thought I would be ovulating during the trip, and we would be in the most romantic place in the world...and well...we will let the chips fall where they may.
The trip was perfect...but when we got home I already started counted the days until I could pee on a stick again. The crazy had returned. And this time the crazy had been multiplied by a thousand. Needless to say, all seven pregnancys test this month were still negative. Negative! Negative! Nagative!The bane to my existence!
After the heartbreak healed, I finally made the choice to get a second opinion to find out what the heck was happening to my body, and more importantly why couldn't I get pregnant?
I ended up Googling an OBGYN in Jackson randomly and made an appointment. When I showed up guess who walked through the door? You guessed it...Dr. Shannon Roberts! She ordered a repeat in all the previous bloodwork to get updated results, and when she got the results back she only diagnosed me with Hyperprolactinenia, elvated prolactin. She told me that my body had an elevated amount of porlactin surgung through it and therefore my body was probably in fact ovulating, but that the eggs were either coming out too soon and were premature, or too late and were expired which was the reason they could not get fertilized. The amazing part about her diagnoses was that she too had Hyperprolactinenia and had gone through what I was going through. She said she also had recently given birth to two children, one at 37 years old and the second at 39. For me this was possibly the best news I could have ever heard. She had the same hormone issues and she was in fact, successful at starting a family. I was hooked to her positivity. She told me that this was fixable, I can overcome this, and I will get pregnant. The best part was I only had to take
one pill, Bromocryptine. I was elated! I told myself, no screwing around this time. I would take that pill each and everyday, and that was what I did. It was June 2012.
In June during my cycle, I joined friends and Nick for a 4 mile fun run called the Fundango fun run. I had just ran a half marathon a few weeks prior with no problems. Not today. Around mile 1.5 I felt a sudden sharp pain in my abdominal section...it grew stronger and stronger. Finally, I had to stop running, grabbed my stomach and dropped to the ground in pain. Julie, my BFF, ran up to me panicked asking what was wrong? I looked up at her, " I think I need to go to the hospital."
When I went in to see Dr. Roberts the pain had subsided, and I felt pretty normal. By this time I could only describe what I felt for a diagnoses. She thought what had happen was a cysts on my ovary had reptured, causing me all the pain. She went to explain that it is a very comman thing that happens to women and for me not to worry, and take it easy.
Come July 4th weekend during my cycle, my mother was in town visiting me to help Alison's Glass Studio set up a booth at the Victor Art Fair. This was our first show together, heck our first show period to show off the hand fused glass jewelry we both had been making. The entire time she was her I was in pain. I couldn't fully workout with her at the gym, I was sluggish, and extremely bloated. I just thought this was normal.
Come August during my cycle, I worked a booth for Targhee fest selling Alison Glass Studio jewelry with a friend of mine named Jessica. At this point Nick and I had been eating Primal (no grains) since we got back from the Bahamas. The reason I mention this is because Jessica bake some 9 grain bread and put honey on it and offered me to try a piece. I didn't think anything of it and said OK, since she did make it from scratch. The next morning I woke up in the worst pain I had ever felt, stomach, intensive, and (TOO MUCH INFORMATION ALERT!) and rectum were screaming with pain. I felt inflamed and bloated. I couldn't sit down comfortably. Every time I sat down I got a stabbing sensation shooting through my body starting with my rectum and ending up near my heart. I couldn't explain this pain, I had never felt anything like it. I thought it was the bread I ate, my body was inflamed due to eating grains. I couldn't explain it.
In September during my cycle, I left work early and called in a sick day due to the fact that I had severe pain in my abdomen, and rectum. I had so much pain the only thing I found comfortable was to lay flat, with a heating pad, and tons of Asprin.
During all of these painful, horrible pain induced cycles I never thought twice about it being NOT normal to be in such pain. I had been going to the OBGYN and had every test run and the doctors didn't tell me that I had anything weird going on. They certainly didn't warn me about anything serious to watch out for. I just felt I was having horrible cycles because my hormones were all screwed up.
In October during my cycle, I went to work but was writhing in pain the entire commute there. I showed up at 8:00 am, but knew I wouldn't be able to continue the entire day due to the pain. I knew this time I had to go to the hospital.
When I showed up this time Dr. Shannon Roberts took another ultra-sound per request of my first OBGYN Theresa Lerch. What Shannon found was the source of ALL my pain. The fibroid that was spotted in January that was 2x4 had grown and was now 10x8!! She ordered surgery, called a Myomectomy, to remove the tumor for October. 30th. I would be out of work for 6 weeks! I couldn't believe it. I asked Shannon to take a picture of the tumor when she removes it...the following is what I affectionately call Fraken-tumor!
Can you believe that that was inside me?!! I am still in shock.
As I type this it is now on month post-surgery. I am feeling good, but still have a week and half before I am allowed to return to work. The doctor told me that when I am fully healed I will have so much more energy, I will not have any pain during cycles, I will no longer bloat because the tumor fills up with blood and weighs on my rectum, I will no longer be doubled over in pain every time I exert myself with any type of exercise, I will no longer have a pooch protruding (which I thought was a gut, LOL) and I will be in overall better health.
The best part is that we will be cleared to start trying for a baby at the first of the year and the doctor said that Fraken-tumor was "probably" the reason for us not getting pregnant.
So, fingers-crossed as we start the new year!
My next project is to blog my transformation from sitting on the couch for 6 weeks post-surgery to getting in shape via Crossfit and running. Wish me luck.
