Frakentumor

For the past two years I have been hiding a secret. I was hiding and down playing how much pain I was in. Every cycle I was forced to call into work, break out the heating pad, and eat pain medications just to make it through the day. When I would go run with the girls, I would have to stop, doubled-over in pain and walk the rest of the way. I just couldn't understand why I couldn't finish the run? Why was I laid up in bed during my cycles? Why was I having so much pain, and most importantly why were Nick and I not having luck getting pregnant? The latter was tormenting me. Was I not eating the right diet, was I drinking too much coffee, was I drinking too much alcohol? I lay awake at nights hiding the hot tears streaming down my face, and taking deep breaths to hide my crying gasps, because I was haunted by the idea that I was infertile. I'm still haunted by this idea and may be until the glorious day that I see that positive sign in the pregnancy test window.

With all the pain and doubt taking over my thoughts I decided I could no longer deal with it alone and made the decision to go to the OBGYN for intervention. In the beginning, we ran several tests on both Nick and myself. Nick came back pretty normal, but I had a couple of issues, I had elevated prolactin and low testosterone. My OBGYN was a registered nurse, not a doctor but I trusted her opinion. She gave me the diagnoses that I had PCOS (Poly-cystic ovarian syndrome). She prescribed Bromocriptin and Metaphormin to help balance my hormones. She also gave me an ultra sound and found cysts in my ovaries, which is indicative if PCOS.

Three months went by and I was taking the medicine and having horrible side effects; terrible shakes, dizzy spells, sleepless nights. I was miserable and to top if all off, we still weren't getting pregnant. I knew not to get my hopes up, but if you know me, that is just impossible for me. I obsess! Every tingling on my boobs meant this month for sure had worked, or any little cramping in my uterus meant for sure I was pregnant. Every month I'd run to the store and buy pregnancy tests and take one a day before my period was due. Negative. Well that can't be right because the I went too early I thought to myself, then the very next day, negative. Well maybe I haven't produced enough HmG hormone for the test to read a positive, I better take it again tomorrow! Who does that? Month after month I would torment myself with false hopes that we were in fact pregnant. This went on for years, the last two to be exact.

I tried my damnedest to contain my self-induced crazy, but it was leaking out at home, at school, online. Nick, always supportive and positive, was starting to get fed up with my crazy. He'd tell me not to worry, it will happen, relax and stop stressing. But I resented his cool and calm attitude. Why wasn't he scared shitless that we may never be able to start a family of our own? Why was he so sure everything would work out? Was he blind to what was going on or was he in complete denial?

Then there were my friends at work. They saw me day in and day out going crazy with the "what ifs?" I was constantly talking about symptoms I was creating in my head, I was almost tricking my body to feel pregnant beacuse I wanted and willed it so badly. Finally, one day my friend Shelly told me to get a hobby. "You need something to occupy your mind, your free time, and to focus on. You are driving yourself crazy with all of this pregnancy stuff." I knew she was right and that is when I discovered making jewelry for a distraction. Silver PMC and fused-glass. I now had a new obsession, but the baby thoughts did not go away completely, but it did help.

Every cycle I would lose it and constantly talk about my fears, my concerns, my disappointments, my seven negative pregnancy tests. My friends were like Nick...positive, calm, and optimistic. Were they filling me with a bunch of BS to shut me up? How did they know it will happen? How could they be so sure? My head and mind were filled with the crazy. Everyone repeatedly told me to stop worring. When I stop thinking about it, it will happen.  I needed help, someone to give me answers. So, I went back to the doctor. She said the next steps are the expensive ones, but if we want answers then it had to be done. The first was the ultra sound, and that was when she found the cysts. The next was called an HSG, a crazy test that shoots dye into your tubes to see if they are blocked. Pretty heinous and painful test, but my wonderful amazing husband was by my side, holding my hand the entire way through. He is my rock. My everything.

During the HSG a magical thing happened, we met Doctor Shannon Roberts. She was so calming during the awful procedure, so comforting, to relate-able. She made me feel for the first time in two years that there was in fact a light at the end of my darkened tunnel. Not to mention the results came back negative for any kind of blockage. Hooray! I felt and huge weight had been lifted...and then the other shoe dropped. They had found a big fibroid in the backside of my uterus. She asked me if I had known it was there or if I was having any symptoms from it. Apparently, fibroids are common in women of child bearing years, and if they don't cause problems then they are harmless. Well, I never made the connection that all of my pain, spotting, and issues were directly related to the fibroid, so I told Shannon, no I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary! Can you believe that? I honestly thought the spotting, cramping, and pain was just what people with PCOS go through during their periods! I never complained, or knew anything different! Shannon just told me to keep an eye on it and monitor it. She most fibroids are anti symptomatic, and never cause women problems, even during pregnancy. So, Nick and I went home and didn't really think about it again.

Now it was spring break 2012. Wnd we were heading to the Bahamas and I just stopped taking all the medicine. I couldn't handle it.  I didn't feel comfortable taking six different pills of medicine everyday. In the past I never took medicine for anything, not even when I was sick with the flu. Maybe NyQuil. That was it. So I made the conscience choice to stop the medicine, stop stressing over it all, and go to the Bahamas with the man of my dreams and just enjoy life again. I thought I would be ovulating during the trip, and we would be in the most romantic place in the world...and well...we will let the chips fall where they may.
The trip was perfect...but when we got home I already started counted the days until I could pee on a stick again. The crazy had returned. And this time the crazy had been multiplied by a thousand. Needless to say, all seven pregnancys test this month were still negative. Negative! Negative!  Nagative!The bane to my existence!

After the heartbreak healed, I finally made the choice to get a second opinion to find out what the heck was happening to my body, and more importantly why couldn't I get pregnant?

I ended up Googling an OBGYN in Jackson randomly and made an appointment. When I showed up guess who walked through the door? You guessed it...Dr. Shannon Roberts! She ordered a repeat in all the previous bloodwork to get updated results, and when she got the results back she only diagnosed me with Hyperprolactinenia, elvated prolactin. She told me that my body had an elevated amount of porlactin surgung through it and therefore my body was probably in fact ovulating, but that the eggs were either coming out too soon and were premature, or too late and were expired which was the reason they could not get fertilized.  The amazing part about her diagnoses was that she too had Hyperprolactinenia and had gone through what I was going through. She said she also had recently given birth to two children, one at 37 years old and the second at 39. For me this was possibly the best news I could have ever heard. She had the same hormone issues and she was in fact, successful at starting a family. I was hooked to her positivity. She told me that this was fixable, I can overcome this, and I will get pregnant. The best part was I only had to take one pill, Bromocryptine. I was elated! I told myself, no screwing around this time. I would take that pill each and everyday, and that was what I did. It was June 2012.

In June during my cycle,  I joined friends and Nick for a 4 mile fun run called the Fundango fun run. I had just ran a half marathon a few weeks prior with no problems. Not today. Around mile 1.5 I felt a sudden sharp pain in my abdominal section...it grew stronger and stronger. Finally, I had to stop running, grabbed my stomach and dropped to the ground in pain. Julie, my BFF, ran up to me panicked asking what was wrong? I looked up at her, " I think I need to go to the hospital."

When I went in to see Dr. Roberts the pain had subsided, and I felt pretty normal. By this time I could only describe what I felt for a diagnoses. She thought what had happen was a cysts on my ovary had reptured, causing me all the pain. She went to explain that it is a very comman thing that happens to women and for me not to worry, and take it easy.

Come July 4th weekend during my cycle, my mother was in town visiting me to help Alison's Glass Studio  set up a booth at the Victor Art Fair. This was our first show together, heck our first show period to show off the hand fused glass jewelry we both had been making. The entire time she was her I was in pain. I couldn't fully workout with her at the gym, I was sluggish, and extremely bloated. I just thought this was normal.

Come August during my cycle, I worked a booth for Targhee fest selling Alison Glass Studio jewelry with a friend of mine named Jessica. At this point Nick and I had been eating Primal (no grains) since we got back from the Bahamas. The reason I mention this is because Jessica bake some 9 grain bread and put honey on it and offered me to try a piece. I didn't think anything of it and said OK, since she did make it from scratch. The next morning I woke up in the worst pain I had ever felt, stomach,  intensive, and (TOO MUCH INFORMATION ALERT!) and rectum were screaming with pain. I felt inflamed and bloated. I couldn't sit down comfortably. Every time I sat down I got a stabbing sensation shooting through my body starting with my rectum and ending up near my heart. I couldn't explain this pain, I had never felt anything like it. I thought it was the bread I ate, my body was inflamed due to eating grains. I couldn't explain it.

In September during my cycle, I left work early and called in a sick day due to the fact that I had severe pain in my abdomen, and rectum. I had so much pain the only thing I found comfortable was to lay flat, with a heating pad, and tons of Asprin.

During all of these painful, horrible pain induced cycles I never thought twice about it being NOT normal to be in such pain. I had been going to the OBGYN and had every test run and the doctors didn't tell me that I had anything weird going on. They certainly didn't warn me about anything serious to watch out for. I just felt I was having horrible cycles because my hormones were all screwed up.

In October during my cycle, I went to work but was writhing in pain the entire commute there. I showed up at 8:00 am, but knew I wouldn't be able to continue the entire day due to the pain. I knew this time I had to go to the hospital.

When I showed up this time Dr. Shannon Roberts took another ultra-sound per request of my first OBGYN Theresa Lerch. What Shannon found was the source of ALL my pain. The fibroid that was spotted in January that was 2x4 had grown and was now 10x8!! She ordered surgery, called a Myomectomy,  to remove the tumor for October. 30th. I would be out of work for 6 weeks! I couldn't believe it. I asked Shannon to take a picture of the tumor when she removes it...the following is what I affectionately call Fraken-tumor!

Can you believe that that was inside me?!! I am still in shock.
As I type this it is now on month post-surgery. I am feeling good, but still have a week and half before I am allowed to return to work. The doctor told me that when I am fully healed I will have so much more energy, I will not have any pain during cycles, I will no longer bloat because the tumor fills up with blood and weighs on my rectum, I will no longer be doubled over in pain every time I exert myself with any type of exercise, I will no longer have a pooch protruding (which I thought was a gut, LOL) and I will be in overall better health.
The best part is that we will be cleared to start trying for a baby at the first of the year and the doctor said that Fraken-tumor was "probably" the reason for us not getting pregnant.
So, fingers-crossed as we start the new year!
My next project is to blog my transformation from sitting on the couch for 6 weeks post-surgery to getting in shape via Crossfit and running. Wish me luck.

I'm Back!

After a FIVE week hiatus from running due to my knee, I went running yesterday and it felt amazing! The night before I awoke with aching in my legs so severe I couldn't sleep. I knew the time to sit idle was no more! I had to get outside, get my endorphins and my vitamin D. Boy oh boy was it an uplifting run. I was planning to run 3 or 4, but ended up running 7! Hooray!

Also, I am two classes and one thesis paper away from graduating!!!

Things in Teton valley have been pretty calm lately.I guess no news is good news. Nick and I have been cross-country skiing our butts off. Teton Canyon, Darby, and today Nick (with his new found freedom during the days) went to TNP to tour around on his cross-country skies. I told him to remember to bring his camera and take tons of pictures..so hopefully I will post later.

Sunday is the Darby Dash in Alta. It is a dog race, where the owners harness their dogs to their chest while on cross country skis and race around a plowed track. I cannot wait. I think it will be so fun, weather permitting. Rumor has it that the valley is expecting tons of snow Sat night and if this is the case, then Targhee will trump the dog races. I look forward to posting pictures from either event that day.

Looking forward to running tons this summer. Jackson Hole Health and Fitness is starting a running club to train for The Jackson Hole half marathon, which I think I am going to join just to meet new runners. I would love to complete a full marathon this summer.

Spring break is five days away and I am itching for some good weather. I m also very curious to see if any of the 30 tulips I planted will come up. I love our flower beds. This summer I want Nick to build a small, but managable green house for me and my tomatoes!

We have such LONG winters here that I am so ready for Spring or better yet Summer! Summer makes me think of flip-flips, shorts, sunburn, the smell of fresh cut grass, the sounds of sprinklers hitting the lawn, the tons and tons of live outdoor music, the campfires and Smore's, the fire pit roaring under the milky way, the long lazy floats in a canoe (can't wait to buy a canoe this year) down the mighty Teton River, the mountain climbing (Nick wants to summit The Grand this Summer...YIKES!) and best of all NO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! Yippie!

Until next time...

It has been way too long...

Holy Moly,

I cannot believe

2010 is almost over and the last time I

updated my blog

was during the summer!

Well, needless

to say so much has happened since then. I am still running my tail feathers off. I ran seven yesterday like it was no big deal, and have another 10K, the Jingle-Bell run this Sat. I have been following my schedule and feel very confident for the half marathon this Feb. I have been running outside for the longer runs and for the shorter run of 4 miles or le

ss, I go to the new gym in Driggs. Anytime fitness-and it is open 24 hours a day! Pretty cool to be available to go work out anytime, hence anytime fitness. Driggs is really expanding.

I think the reason I haven't updated this blog is because back in Sept I started my new teaching dream job! I have loved every second of my new job. I love my kids, my classes, and my coworkers. I am so blessed! But, ever since school has started the free time moments are few and far between. When I was hired my friend told me, "Welcome to the fast lane!" and boy did she mean it. Between meetings, lesson planning, schedule shifting, presentations, hanging out with my mentees, working on my masters, trying to running a half marathon and being a wife there is just NOT enough time in the day, week, or month to keep an updated blog! As long as I can pop in every

now and again for updates I guess that will have to do.

Once baby comes I am sure things will really be out of control hectic, but I will want to post as often as possible to show baby growing up. I signed up for Alfac's short term disability and hospital stay insurance. The moment made it all VERY real to me. Aflac states I cannot give birth ten months after I sign so I can become pregnant officially Feb. 1st. So lookout!! This spring is it! The idea of a baby is so exciting I can hardly stand it. And when I signed those Alfac papers I felt so grown up, so responsible, so adult to be planning ahead like that. Truly was a pretty cool "Aha" life moment.

NIck and I went to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving and although it was an intensely short and hectic stay, I was so glad we did. Right after we left Granddad, Ole' Oklahoma Shay, went to an MRI and discovered he has severe bone cancer, and then he stood up and broke his hip because the cancer has deteriorated away his hip bone. It was really scary, but the doctors had a window of opportunity and went in for surgery to replace the hip joint. All went well! So he is now in recovery, but he does have a slight infection somewhere and liquid in his lungs. My prayer now is that it does not turn into pneumonia, because I remember how that turns out. If your reading this, prayers are much appreciated!!

On a lighter note Nick and I are like to two pigs in mud; just as happy as can be. The snow is flying here in the valley, Christmas is right around the corner, and less than a week from today Christmas break starts and I can go snowboarding every morning!! You better believe I will too! Our three four legged sons are g=doing awesome too. Summit had a little mishap at the groomers when we dropped him off for a haircut. She buzzed him down to the skin! He looks so ridiculous! I guess we waited too long to bring him to the groomers. Apparently you should bring him at the end of every fall and spring. So now every time I look at him I have to giggle. He looks like Mr. Buttersworth from Austin Powers. So freaking funny! WEll, my lunch break is almost over...gotta run ...until next time...

Dogs days of Summer Coming to a Close

Hello All,

With only two weeks of summer left, the slow realization that summer is over is setting in. But, on the bright side I get to start back to work!! I am starting to get so excited about going back, I have plans to meet my teammate Jill Tuesday to hike Snow King in the morning, then go to the school and figure out how we would like to decorate our classrooms. I am thinking about painting a mural on one of the walls, and I have to come up with a cool theme for decorating. I was toying with the idea of "Survival" as a theme because we read so many books on survival-but I am not sure just yet.

I go to a day of training on Friday for the new computer system-two teachers from each building are chosen to become experts on this so we can go back and train other teachers. I feel very lucky.

Nick and I have been very low key the past two weeks-no mountain climbing, camping, or dirt-biking. We have been going to the movies and hanging out close to home-a lazy float down the Teton, I took my mentee, Meraldi, white water rafting on the Snake River, and went school clothes shopping for a pair of black school appropriate shoes. So like I said, very low key.

This weekend my best friend's Steph's is turning thirty!!!!!!

We are planning dinner at Teton Thai and then are going to the county fair in Driggs to watch the figure eight races. Our friend Julie's husband Paul is racing in it, so we are going to cheer him on. Should be a blast. Sat morning I am going over to Jackson to take my mentee, Meraldi, to the village to ride the Tram and go on a nature walk. The Teton Mentor Program brought in a naturalist to be our guide. I am really looking forward to it.

I guess the most exciting news happened last night at the Cowboy Steakhouse-it was my last shift of the summer! I picked up two nights a week throughout the summer and last night I officially retired! It was a happy drive home Ill tell you what. I have always dreamt of the day I would hang up my apron and break out my teacher duds. Waiting tables has treated me very well over the years, but that chapter of my life has closed and now I open a newer and better chapter of a professional career. I feel so blessed every waking moment.

Until next time...

We keep on going..and going..and going....

On Friday Nick was able to take a half day of work because he is working 4 nine hour days.
So, we took full advantage and loaded the boys up in search for a great swimming hole. Mission accomplished! We found a sweet spot totally secluded and in the most beautiful location. It was very relaxing and the dogs had such fun. Afterwards, we headed down to the Knotty Pine for a little dinner and sunshine.

Saturday morning

was my second 10K race, this time it was here locally in Driggs. The Tin Cup Challenge. Man what a blast, and super hot! I finished and never stopped running! Next on the horizon is the Mesa Falls half marathon. YIKES!

After the race Nick and I loaded up the gear and the dogs and heading into North Leigh canyon for an overnight camp. We staked out a spot earlier in the week, but when we got there the spot was taken by horse trailers and other campers. So we drove around and found a great spot near Tin Cup creek that was beautiful. After setting up camp, Julie and Reagan, Stephanie, Eric and Dex all joined us for BBQ and Smores. Good times had by all.

After a beautiful night sleeping under the stars Nick and I woke up for a hike into North Leigh canyon to Green Mountain Lakes. Elevation gain 2,040 feet in four miles! It was a challenging hike for me to say the least, but we made it a success! The dogs were happy to get to the lake and swim their little tail feathers off. I tried to get into the water, but it was freezing! I Should have known better! Nick and I took a lunch break while the dogs swam. Nick wanted to go further to Granite Basin Lakes but I talked him out of it. It was another 2 miles and 1,000 feet elevation and I wasn't sure I could hack it.

Luckily, he agreed. The walk was beautiful through fields and meadows of exploding wildflowers.

All in all the weekend was amazing, as every weekend in the summer should be. I am super sore and tired this fine Monday morning. I will have a few days rest and then Nick's parents arrive this Thursday. I am looking forward to it their visit, we always have fun when they are here. I guess that wraps up our weekend,

until next time..

Gone But Not Forgotten

Death is a real and crazy thing. My Dad passed away this past January and I am still in disbelief. He wasn't supposed to go this way. And every day at some point in the day I think of him, and the fact that he is gone, and the fact that I can never pick up a phone to call him on our ritualistic Sat calls. More than anything I get to thinking when I think of him, about my own mortality. The fact is we will all go at some point- and I hope and pray I will get to live a long and healthy life with my husband, but I can't help but wonder what does it all mean? Where do we go? Will we be reunited in the end? Now I know I am not the only one who feels this way-but really. What does it all mean? Today driving home from work I started thinking about my life path and literally got chills thinking about how grateful and blessed my life has become. My husband is my best friend, my dream job has arrived, my backyard is a paradise to play in year round, but I keep thinking about my Dad and how he got jipped and it pisses me off. I just know how special every waking moment is, how special every family and all the friends I have are, and how lucky I am to have chosen a life best suited for making me happy. I remember when I flew home to Dallas while dating Nick to go to a job fair and was hired on the spot. I remember thinking geez, Jackson Hole won't return my calls and Dallas hired me on the spot!? What is the deal? I knew I wanted to teach. I knew I wasn't found alive in the Smokey Mountains for just any ole reason- I had a purpose. But what was my purpose, my life path? When I came home to Teton Valley and I told Nick my plans for moving home home he said," I don't want to tell you what to do, but if you stayed here with me we could really give it a go." Then I was deciding what was more important: career or true love? That may sound cheesy, but the very first moment I laid eyes on Nick I truly knew he was the one. I told Kari, Steph, and Julie that same night. My choice was clear.
But still I drive home at night looking at the amazing sky filled with sparkling diamonds and wonder what is my Dad up to? Is he watching over me? Does he know I got the job he always told me I would get if I just hang in there? Will he see his grand kids? That part burns the most. My kids will never meet my Dad. It crushes me and it really pisses me off. Why? Why Dad? Why then? Grrr. I want answers but I know life will never answer those questions. I just have to believe that Dad watches over me and knows all that happens. I am sure he is flinching every time I get on my dirtbike and go raise some hell up a steep mountain trail. I just have to believe he knows I am happy to my very core.

Death freaks me out. I am about to turn 33 and I figure with my grandmothers genes I probably have max 60 years left. 60 years and then what? I am not too sure I am ready to leave this life in 60 years. Will I remember my life after I am gone?
Have you ever been scared of Death or am I just a freak?

Anyway-here is to my Dad. I am thinking of you always and miss the CRAP out of you already. P.S. I got the JOB!!! (But I am sure you already knew that.)

Welcome to the Fast Lane

In the words of my teammate when I got my new job-"Welcome to the fast lane!" Boy oh boy was she correct on that one. Since I wrote last I have been busy busy! Judy's visit was a complete success, we went to Mesa falls, Yellowstone,Grand Targhee, Jackson, on hikes, shopping, and to great restaurants. We also cooked at home, went on walks around the house, and I even had to work one night so she was able to have a down day.

The day she left my old friend from high school came to town with his wife for the Widespread Panic show at the Drive-in movie theater down the street from my house. It was a great July 4Th. We filled every waking second with activities. Took them up to the wind caves, and then to the God Bless America festival on the 3rd. On the fourth we went up to Targhee and rode the chair lift, before the concert. The concert was a mega blast. WE all had such fun. The next week I made it in the newspaper! It was a riot.

Once Bart left on Monday Nick and I were so exhausted from the past two weeks, we ordered a pizza and a movie and never left the house. It was great and well needed day of rest. This past weekend we climbed up Taylor Mountain on Sat which was a steep hike that took about 6 hours round trip. Then Sunday we went on a killer dirt bike ride to packsaddle and everyone jumped off the rope swing. It was such a blast.

I am working at the Million Dollar Cowboy Steakhouse two nights a week for extra money during the summer. They called me back for the summer and I accepted. Pretty cool. I am still working on my classes for my Masters, they started back up July 1st. I am hoping to be done with all of the classes come December. Then I can just work on my Thesis. Life is great, it is flying by so quickly I can hardly believe it. I guess it is true about what they say-Time flies when you are having fun. I am sorry this post is such a broad summary, but I think you get the gist. Once again I will try to update more often!

Until next time...