Gone But Not Forgotten

Death is a real and crazy thing. My Dad passed away this past January and I am still in disbelief. He wasn't supposed to go this way. And every day at some point in the day I think of him, and the fact that he is gone, and the fact that I can never pick up a phone to call him on our ritualistic Sat calls. More than anything I get to thinking when I think of him, about my own mortality. The fact is we will all go at some point- and I hope and pray I will get to live a long and healthy life with my husband, but I can't help but wonder what does it all mean? Where do we go? Will we be reunited in the end? Now I know I am not the only one who feels this way-but really. What does it all mean? Today driving home from work I started thinking about my life path and literally got chills thinking about how grateful and blessed my life has become. My husband is my best friend, my dream job has arrived, my backyard is a paradise to play in year round, but I keep thinking about my Dad and how he got jipped and it pisses me off. I just know how special every waking moment is, how special every family and all the friends I have are, and how lucky I am to have chosen a life best suited for making me happy. I remember when I flew home to Dallas while dating Nick to go to a job fair and was hired on the spot. I remember thinking geez, Jackson Hole won't return my calls and Dallas hired me on the spot!? What is the deal? I knew I wanted to teach. I knew I wasn't found alive in the Smokey Mountains for just any ole reason- I had a purpose. But what was my purpose, my life path? When I came home to Teton Valley and I told Nick my plans for moving home home he said," I don't want to tell you what to do, but if you stayed here with me we could really give it a go." Then I was deciding what was more important: career or true love? That may sound cheesy, but the very first moment I laid eyes on Nick I truly knew he was the one. I told Kari, Steph, and Julie that same night. My choice was clear.
But still I drive home at night looking at the amazing sky filled with sparkling diamonds and wonder what is my Dad up to? Is he watching over me? Does he know I got the job he always told me I would get if I just hang in there? Will he see his grand kids? That part burns the most. My kids will never meet my Dad. It crushes me and it really pisses me off. Why? Why Dad? Why then? Grrr. I want answers but I know life will never answer those questions. I just have to believe that Dad watches over me and knows all that happens. I am sure he is flinching every time I get on my dirtbike and go raise some hell up a steep mountain trail. I just have to believe he knows I am happy to my very core.

Death freaks me out. I am about to turn 33 and I figure with my grandmothers genes I probably have max 60 years left. 60 years and then what? I am not too sure I am ready to leave this life in 60 years. Will I remember my life after I am gone?
Have you ever been scared of Death or am I just a freak?

Anyway-here is to my Dad. I am thinking of you always and miss the CRAP out of you already. P.S. I got the JOB!!! (But I am sure you already knew that.)